To my Tate

posted on: 4.22.2011

Dear Tate, 

I'm sorry I've been such a lame mom lately. I'm so sorry that I can't be the one to take you around town to see all that you've missed about Salt Lake. Go on lunch dates, ride bikes, visit the park, the zoo, the bounce house, the museum.... like we talked about, and like we used to. I'm sorry that each day you spend half, and sometimes more, of the day with someone other than me, because of my bed rest. I absolutely hate it. I'm so so sorry that my doctor told me I can't hold you anymore. I'm sorry I'm not the one making you lunch and dinner. I'm sorry you've had to sleep in 6 different bedrooms in your short life already, and ride on 33 (well now, 35) airplanes. I'm so sorry we just moved back to Salt Lake and will have to leave again just as you're getting used to it, again. I'm sorry that our chaotic life has made you feel confused recently, and every time me or daddy leaves you ask if we'll be coming back, and tell us repeatedly how much you'll miss us. I try to tell you all the time we would never ever leave you, but something is still making you doubt that. I so sorry about that.

I'm sorry I missed your tee-ball game tonight. I was just too tired, and had been on my feet all day trying to get the house ready. I'm so sorry. I will try so hard to never miss another one. 

I hope when you're twenty you have great memories of these years, and don't remember this crazy phase. I never intended it to be this way, the bed rest that is, and hope you will always feel how much I love spending my day with you, because just telling you isn't enough. I hope you know I miss you the whole time you're gone. I, unfortunately, now know how overrated having a babysitter every day is. I'm so lucky that I get to stay home with you. I don't know how I managed to get such a loving, helpful, understanding, forgiving, and sweet daughter. 

I love you. Sorry again.

Love, mama


12 comments:

  1. Bless your heart. I'm all teary reading this. Poor little Tate and poor sweet Mama. Tate knows that you love her and will adjust quickly. She's got a huge reserve of love and so many happy moments (past and current) to draw from and it's amazing how resilient kids are. You're doing a great job and you'll all be blessed for these huge sacrifices you're making. But I know I would feel like you do. Breaks my heart for you. Ohhh... Hang in there. All of you. What a tough time....

    Sending lots and lots of love over to you. (Hooray-we're neighbors again!)

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  2. this totally made me cry. shocker. i cry at everything these days. chels, you and wy are 2 of the best parents i know. and yes, tate is one of the best, sweetest, most well-behaved child i know. how lucky you are all to have each other. i think you're a rockstar. love you lots!

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  3. Chels... this post made me cry. You are such an amazing mama! Tate is so lucky to have you and so are those sweet little boys that you are looking out for. Hang in there! xox

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  4. Chels- you are the cutest mom in the world! You have handled all of these hard situations with such grace. Tate is so lucky to have such a darling mom. You can tell she admires you so much. Sweet Tate is such a gem.

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  5. You are a sweetheart babe. I know how hard this has been for you and I have felt the same. She is a really good kid though, and we shouldn't doubt her ability to adjust. All we can do is our best. Who knows, maybe someday this will all even seem worth it. Wild thought, I know, but maybe. I'm still optimistic.

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  6. I've learned guilt will never leave.. I guess it just comes along with the package.
    I'm confident you are perfect mom, and Tate is so lucky to have you.
    I know I'm probably too late for this, but I want to buy your MacLaren. Let me know if it's still available.

    Oh, and will you also order two of everything you're buying for Tate's room... June's needs to look exactly like that :)

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  7. you and wy are the cutest parents in the world. we dream of being like you guys - seriously. you always know how to handle things. tate is so lucky to have such a fun mom... even if it's only for half the day right now :) can't wait to see you guys! make sure i get a long babysitting shift while i'm in town.

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  8. you are such a sweet mom. xo

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  9. you are going to have a LOT of these posts soon- I feel like having Ellie has been fab- but it's just not the same for my little Ems- it will be ditto for Taters when the boys arrive- BUT she will LOVE it and as you said- she'll remember the happy times- don't worry- ps LOVE LOVE the picture.

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  10. Oh this brought me to tears...it's still too close to home. I know how you feel Chels. The whole bed rest thing is incredibly hard and emotional on many levels. Hang in there. It's amazing how kids remember the good times and tend to forget the tough times. You are an amazing Mom and that is what Tate will remember. It's heart wrenching though to always be handing your child off to someone else. Let me know if you need anything. Londyn would love to see Tate!

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  11. You are such a wonderful mom... just hang in there love everything will be ok very soon. You'll be in my prayers.

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  12. awww, you are such a good mom. She will not remember this time but she will have years of fun memories with those soon to come wild boys :) Don't worry about her Tate was always a happy girl, she just wants you to be happy :)

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